Transcript
Dr. Marjorie Dixon:
Welcome to fertile thoughts, a podcast made for TTC warriors. This is our second episode and I have the pleasure to have Roberta Scott join me. So Roberta and I go back. She is a single mother by choice, who has started her support group for thinkers and Tryers, who are on the journey to becoming single moms by choice. She’s joining me today to share her own story, and to provide hope and encouragement, as well as offer support for the often challenging journey to become a Single mother by choice. So welcome, Roberta.
Roberta Scott:
Thank you so much for having me. It’s a pleasure to be here.
Dr. Marjorie Dixon:
Tell us about your story. Yes, well, wow. It was 14 years ago, now that I came to see you. I was 43 years old, I waited a long time to do this. But at 43, I came to see you about having a baby on my own. I had put it off for so long, because I really wanted to meet someone like most women do. Hope I would meet someone hope I would get married or have a partner to have a child with but I got to the age where it was time to either do that, or probably missed the window. So I went to see what 43 and you were very honest with me that my odds were low. But you were willing to take me on and to give it a shot, which I was so grateful for. So I spent a year trying to have a child. I went through six unsuccessful IUI. Then you said, Let’s try IVF. Let’s give it a go. And I was willing to trust you and say let’s do it. Even though I didn’t have the money to do it. I wanted to try everything to have my child. So we did the first IVF it was four eggs on retrieval and transfer day there was only one embryo left, which I heard that news I was very upset. I was very disappointed. And you know, daunted by the fact that I was worried it wouldn’t work and what would I do next, but that one embryo was my now 13 year old son, Jesse. So that first IVF with you with just one embryo worked. And now I have a 13 year old son named Jesse. And it’s just amazing. How fantastic right? the little embryo that could, right? You know, what’s amazing further that you say all of this, and I remembered you, because it is so exceptional, that you came at age 43. Yeah. And you know, think about the program in the province of Ontario, it cuts off on your 43rd birthday. By virtue of the statistically low likelihood of pregnancy per cycle. Yes, no matter what we do. Yeah. And you stuck with it, you came back. And when you came to give it the try. With the one embryo, you were so optimistic and positive, in spite of being I know, you were disappointed, I know, I will validate that it was hard to only have one but recognize that that was actually exceptional, because sometimes patients come at age 43. And we don’t have option by virtue of the extraordinarily low ovarian reserve, right? So it is amazing that you are able to share that story. And it gives perspective to other patients who recognize that you can’t necessarily lose all hope you rely on your fertility specialist and the center’s expertise. But you really do have to have a bit of grit. And that little bit of helpfulness in spite of the odds.
Roberta Scott :
Yes, I agree. And you were so helpful in your attitude, because you were very positive, you’re very realistic, very positive, every month, you kept looking at my chart and saying we’re gonna do this and do this. And when you said to me, let’s do IVF, I just trusted you. And I said, I’m going to go for whatever you recommend, because I want this child and I I’m so I’m so grateful that it worked out.
Dr. Marjorie Dixon:
I’m glad it works out. Right? And, and so you know, you’re right, like every service providers a little bit different. And, you know, at Anova and for me, the whole reason I ended up in the place that I am now I always wanted to be a fertility specialist, but in the place of advocating for others in the place of setting standards through our Fertility Centres. It was really to break down barriers. It was to remove all of the things that could act in a way to prevent any individual who should want to grow their family in any jurisdiction that I was a part of, that I would assist in in trying to break down those barriers. So with that in mind, what were the barriers that you experienced as a single woman What do you think single individuals are facing as they are attempting to move forward in their journeys to grow their family? Unknown Speaker 5:08 Yeah, there is a lot of them, I have to say what I faced. The one thing, the reason that I that I waited so long is because there was that barrier of I didn’t want to do it alone, that was not like, I don’t think it’s many people’s first choice certainly wasn’t mine. So I kept thinking, if I hang on, I will meet someone, I will have a partner, I will know the person. So that was a barrier for me is just pushing my age to the limit, because I’d hope to meet someone. And my age was the, you know, the impetus and me saying I can’t wait any longer. So that’s one barriers kind of trying to vote right now. And you’ve got to, you’ve got to deal with that. And the sooner the better, because I waited quite late. But that’s a barrier is trying to get by that, you know, the image of, you know, having the partner in doing it. There’s the financial barrier, that’s a huge one. And, you know, I didn’t I wasn’t like some women, I didn’t prepare for it, I didn’t save for it, I just, you know, get to the point where I needed to do this because I was 43 years old. And so then there was the financial piece, which was was difficult because it was on my own it was being thrown on myself. So that’s another one that women face, and that I hear a lot that I faced. And the other was just not necessarily having everyone in your life supporting that decision. Now what I did different. I didn’t tell anyone. So I did this totally, just by myself, which Oh, I didn’t tell anyone. And that’s unusual
Dr. Marjorie Dixon:
I realized I hadn’t realized that.
Roberta Scott:
Yeah. I probably didn’t even share that with you guys.
Dr. Marjorie Dixon:
That, but that’s a heavy burden.
Roberta Scott:
Yeah. But my decision, the reason to do it was to avoid people may be telling me, you know, maybe you know, this is too late. Or, you know, do you sure you want to do this on your own? Because I just suspected that a lot of people would, if I hadn’t started yet, or if I hadn’t become pregnant yet. I get a lot of opinions about what I should or shouldn’t do. And I just knew that what I was doing was something that I wanted to do and needed to do. So it helped me to just avoid any naysayers, any people that might want it to talk me out of it. Yeah, I like I said, I wouldn’t recommend that for anyone. I think a lot of people in this journey, that support is helpful. But that was what I did. So having the support in your life is a good thing. Don’t have it that can be a barrier. Yeah, and just a general fear of the unknown. I see it now as a fear of the unknown. I just didn’t know, I knew more than anything. I wanted to have a child my whole life, I wanted to be a mother, that was a dream of mine. And I didn’t ever want to give up on that. But it was really daunting to me to do it on my own. Because I just didn’t know how that would go, will I be able to cope as a single mother? Will I have the money to support a child? Will I have, you know, how will my life be? Once I become a single mother? Right? So that was just like a fear I had. And so it was hard to get over that. And I meet a lot of women that feel that way. it’s a real hurdle to jump into the unknown and on the other side, if I do become a mother, how am I gonna be able to cope? can I handle this on my own? So I felt like that.
Dr. Marjorie Dixon:
And then what was it? How did that compare to reality? Actually? So? I know, that’s a big question. But now we’re talking, you know, it’s a reasonable fear. Couples who go into think about it and individuals who are single individuals, feel it to a degree. So, so just out of curiosity, and this is anecdotal, but in your experience, having lived it, how did the fear then compare with the reality of doing it?
Roberta Scott :
That’s the amazing thing about it, as I had so much fear, and so much worry, and so much sort of, Wow, I can’t believe I’m doing this. It was a huge thing for me. And oh, my gosh, was the best thing I ever did. None of the fears that I had came true. Like, none of the things I worried about, were an issue. And I thought to myself, why didn’t I do this earlier? Why didn’t you know? Great it was and none of the worries I had, you know, coping it with it on my own. He’s just a joy. I mean, it’s just a joy to be a mother. And so all the things that I was worried about never came true. Which doesn’t take away from the fear it’s there because I when I talk to women who are who are still thinking about it, those fears are there but I tried to let them know that on the other side for my everyone’s different everyone’s life. So yeah, I mean, this experience is different, right? Doesn’t mean that everyone’s gonna have that but it was just the best thing that ever happened to my life and all the things I was worried about I was fine with and raising a child on my own has been absolute joy.
Dr. Marjorie Dixon:
Fantastic. Yeah. Yeah, you’re very blessed. I mean, and in fairness, not every child is the same, right? And it’s that known. What I hear from my patients who are talking about the potentiality of a journey to become a single parent by choice is one that surround health as a big one, and there are no guarantees in anything that we do, right? And, and so you think, what would you do as a single person? What would you do as a couple? Like, how would you cope either way, right? So those are the kind of bigger, more existential questions that I get that I actually in fairness can answer, because that’s not my genius. My genius is in the medicine and how to handle the situation when patients present. So what do you think? If so, it was a great experience for you? What was the Go ahead?
Roberta Scott:
I was just saying, I went back to work. But I was lucky. Again, not a lot of women can do this, I, I was able to take a year and a half off with my son, which was just a joy. But then I went back to work and I was a full time paramedic, I was working shift work nights, days with a child on my own. Not easy, but I managed all that fine. I managed to do that and take care of him. And I had to have a live in nanny, which is expensive, but I was able to manage that we have a house and so I was able to be a single mom working shift work and make it work. And and I actually wanted to have another one. That’s how much I enjoyed the experience.
Dr. Marjorie Dixon:
Yes, that’s what’s the chronology, right? It catches up eventually. Yes. So if there was one thing, what was the thing that nudged you over the edge to say ok I am going? Like, what was that final moment?
Roberta Scott:
For me my age, my age, I felt in my early 40s, I still had lots of time, I was I was probably not being realistic, but I felt I was still had lots of time. And for some reason, when I turned 43, it was like a light bulb went off. And I said I have no time. And immediately I went to my doctor, I got a referral to a fertility treatment. And all of a sudden, there was something of a light bulb went off. And I realized I have to do this now. And that’s what nudged me. I would recommend: people don’t wait to 43. And I know you know that because you’re the doctor do not wait. That that was what pushed me over the edge is to say, I don’t have any more time here. I need to do this now. And if I want to be a mother, it’s now. Dr. Marjorie Dixon 12:37 Absolutely. And you know what just my public service announcement as a fertility specialist is that I don’t recommend if anyone is contemplating this in their early 30s in their late 20s. It behooves them to find a physician who will do an ovarian reserve assessment or a sperm assessment to see what the condition of the gametes are. And then that individual can kind of make a strategic plan about how they want to do this, you might not want to wait until 43, some people might decide to become a single parent by choice in the first half of their 30s out of a relationship, or in the second half of their 30s. The most important thing is to this to have an ovarian reserve assessment organic assessment of the testicles the sperm sooner rather than later, because then you can make the strategic plan you can say, Okay, well, this is what I look like, I’m single right now, if in two more years, I’m still single, I’m going to jump. So we make plans for our life strategy, when we’re going to buy a house, when we’re going to plan ourselves financially, we have to do a better job of making sure we get patients to contemplate these things sooner rather than later and bringing into your consciousness about about the fact that this is something that people do that stigma that you said you I mean, look, you didn’t tell anybody about it. and, you know, for us, at Anova we do this every day. And so for us, this is just the mainstay, of course you want to have the child, we will help you we’re here for you to help you gain access. But how do we help those individuals who are planning a family on their own to have less stigma, how do we help our community do better? Because it’s not all better. Like we’ve had this typical kind of heterosexism approach to this. We all have our LGBTQ plus community. How do we advocate for our single folks to make sure that they feel seen and heard and included in what it is that we are providing?
Roberta Scott:
Yeah, I totally agree with you. I think that we have to talk about it more. That’s why I’m so glad that you invited me on to talk about it because I think that the more we talk about this, the more that younger women will start thinking about it sooner. I really recommend that women think about it early and start making a plan. I mean, I did not make a plan, I did not save for it and I wouldn’t recommend that. It’s quite a journey to go through, there’s a lot of things that are going to go on. And the earlier you start thinking about it, the better prepared you are to make that decision if you decide now’s the time. But definitely, I agree with you to go and see for fertility specialists, early, not late.
Dr. Marjorie Dixon:
And you are one of the exceptional great ladies who at age 43 Still had ovarian reserve where IVF was an option, right? You’re fortunate there are a lot of women who come even earlier, in the second half of their 30s were considered advanced maternal age at age 35. So, right? and so and that’s a piece of information that is often missed for women, and then they show up and they’re like, why I’m at the mercy of my biology. And I say time, we haven’t changed the chronology of the ovary. So. So whilst you were fortunate to be able to still have appropriate ovarian functioning, to have a baby at age 43, it’s so critical that share that message that you can plan to be a single parent by choice early, you don’t have to wait as well, right? Like that. It’s really a crossover. Yes. So if you now with your experience and your support groups, and in the time that you’ve spent kind of in this realm of being a single parent by choice, what would you say is the most important or the most helpful? Hint or tip? For someone who’s considering doing this going along this journey? In our trying to conceive community?
Roberta Scott:
Yeah, well, I would say number one, plan ahead, like we just talked about, think about it a lot earlier than I did. I was a thinker. But I didn’t take any steps to look into it until my 40s was. So my first thing would be to just start thinking about it early, don’t wait until it’s too late. And have a plan. I’d also say, you know, to prepare financially for it. And also, I would say, plan for it to be a bit of a journey that it doesn’t, you know, happen quickly, often, as you’re lucky, you know, that it’s a journey that you’re going to be taking for a while you could be taking for a while, right. And there’s lots of ups and downs. But, you know, be prepared to know that it’s may not happen overnight. Again, the other message to start early, right? Because it may take it took me seven tries. Some women it takes a couple of years. So give yourself time.
Dr. Marjorie Dixon:
Absolutely. And, and, you know, patients often talk with me about, you know, they feel the weight of the situation, and they want to be able to see the long haul and see if it ahead and eyes on the prize. And, Dr. Dixon, do you believe this can still happen? And I’m like, Yeah, I, aim to be one and done with an IVF cycle if that’s we get, but it doesn’t always happen that way, particularly if women are over 35, let’s say. And so what would you say? Because it can be an arduous journey? Right? That’s part of the barrier stacks. I think patients are like, I don’t know that I can keep going right? Yeah, what? What was it for you? Because, you know, six IUIs, and then IVF? What gave you hope? And in your journey to keep moving? And not to say like, oh, gosh, like, I don’t think I can handle this anymore. What was that thing that gave you light? To keep moving toward?
Roberta Scott:
Yeah, that’s a good question. And it’s hard. It’s a hard thing to describe. But I would say that when I went in, I had such a desire to be a mom my whole life. And I just felt that it was something that was going to happen. So I believed in you know that it was going to happen. And then I realized that there were certain things I could control and certain things I couldn’t control. So I was getting great treatment by you. And you know, everyone that took care of me there I trusted in you guys that you were going to do everything you could to help me have a child. I always stayed positive. I always believed that it was going to happen. But I also I know this sounds a little bit airy fairy kind of but I really let the universe I sort of said, You know what, if this is meant to be I’m doing everything I can do to make this happen. And the rest I’m going to have to leave to whatever forces are out there. And I’ll go with that. And I’ll just but what I said to myself is I’m going to stick it out as long as I can, which is as long as I need to or as long as I can afford to I mean I was in a position where I just I had to take out loans and things to do it. But I was committed I said, you know, this is my one chance and I’m not going to quit. I’m not going to stop until, I guess until it either happened or, you know, there was something telling me to stop. Luckily, I didn’t have to get to that point. I mean, when I need to get that one embryo put back in, I was alright, my wheels are already turning. Okay, how am I going to get the next? Now isn’t that crazy Dr. Marjorie Dixon 20:25 right now. It’s good to have a plan. I always tell you, well, you’re you might be Plan A but I’m B and C and like a bad call. They don’t go away. Like if you give me an opportunity, we’ll keep moving.
Roberta Scott:
You know, I was very persistent. I really believed in you know, this was what I wanted, and that I wasn’t going to quit. So that was my thought. And I the the lovely nurses, when I went in said, you know, we’re burning, you just need one, you know. And I said, Oh, right. And I love that. I remember that too. Every day, you just need one, just one good egg. And I still call Jesse my one good egg. When I talk to people, I just held out for that that one good egg was still there. And I just tend to get through it, you know. So I was always very optimistic. And I believe that if I wanted it to happen, and I kept going, and I didn’t quit, that it could happen. And I’m just like I said, it’s like a miracle. I’m so grateful that it did work. And, and you guys were so wonderful to get me through it all.
Dr. Marjorie Dixon:
Oh, such a pleasure. You’re a great patient. And you know, honestly, we have passion for what it is that we do, right? Like we really do this. Because we want to be able to create families where otherwise they may never have been right. And for anyone who should so desire and so like I, I hope that our patients get an opportunity to feel surrounded. It’s not just the medicine that we’re providing. But it’s also no matter what happens at the outcome of the journey that patients feel supported and heard and validated. Throughout, regardless of where they come from, to us for our assistance through them.
Roberta Scott:
Yes, that’s so important. That was so important. And you are wonderful. I always remember you as a very positive… and I was following you. And you were like, I’m trusting her and I’m following everything she tells me to do. I’m gonna do. And I and you were always so positive. And you are always optimistic that we’re going to keep doing this until we can, you know, till..
Dr. Marjorie Dixon:
it doesn’t make sense, right? Yeah. And you know, like, I think what happens also with more experience, right, this is like 20 years out. Now, you come to recognize that even some of the most dismal appearing circumstances, have a little bit of sound like the crazy doctor, I have a little bit of magic in them. And, and so much as you know, people talk about science and the technology advancing, and our ability to do things with more information that we can do genetic testing, which wasn’t afforded to us before. Now, we can grow embryos for five days out of the body, five, six days to become blastocyst, which before we weren’t they were blastomere stage embryos. Now we can freeze and thaw things, we can use frozen eggs, we have so much that we’ve advanced in over the past few decades in assisted reproductive technologies. But I will maintain that there’s just this little bit of magical data that goes on that we still don’t understand. I mean, like, likely there will be a reasonable explanation to an extent about genetics and genomics that’s coming out. But you know, for our patients out there, but the one that gets people across the finish line is grit, if you were lovely, as a patient, because you were part of your care, you didn’t just relinquish it all to us. But and you were informed about what we were doing. But you also had a degree of an understanding that we were there to provide you with the expertise to guide you in the right direction. And that’s a bit of a trick when you have the, you know, clinical care team working with the patients and wanting to meet people halfway, but also understanding what people need to get to success. So it’s a bit of a balance between the care providers, the clinical care team and the patients. But it’s such a joy, to be able to collaborate with patients and then see what comes out of it. Big people 13 years later, it’s magic. It is magic. You just can’t. It never gets old. You see the cells and then you see people it just doesn’t make sense, but it’s what we do every day.
Roberta Scott:
that’s so nice. Yeah, I remember sitting in the waiting room and looking at all the pictures that are up on the board of all the babies and I remember thinking, I wonder if I’m going to be up there one day, you know, and I just kept the faith I just kept hope and you know, I was able to be a mom and it’s just the best experience in the world.
Dr. Marjorie Dixon:
And then now you’re channeling it into something to help others right, other people along the journey so so that that tell us some about your support group and what it is that you do
Roberta Scott:
Yeah, so I started about four years ago, I saw a need a lot of women talking to me asking me questions wanting to do what I was, had done be a single mom because they weren’t in a partnership. And I realized that there was a need for some support out there. And so I started a support group. And it was a small group that started meeting in my living room about four years ago, of women who were either thinking of which I was a thinker for a long time before I got the nerve up to try it thinking to have it, you know, be a single mom by choice. So I started this group, it’s called journey to become a single mother by choice. And we meet monthly we started off meeting in my living room, small group of women, pre COVID. Yes, exactly. Because this is four years ago. So that was in my living room. Yes. It’s a handful of women who wanted to meet was it was going to be a one time meeting. And I saw so much need for these women to talk to each other. I’ve just sort of become this host for them. And we meet what they now that it’s COVID, we meet online. Basically, we meet to give them some community, some connections, some support, and information sharing, they share a lot of information with each other about what they’ve done and where they’ve gone. And you know, what it’s worth. And so I host it monthly. And I get, you know, we’ve got almost 200 Women now in the group, and we get about
Dr. Marjorie Dixon:
Wow, yeah. Really? Wow, that’s great
Roberta Scott:
It started with, like, 12 women, you know, and it’s like, they told to friends, and they told your friends, you know, they meet people and now we have this large group, and now that we’re online, people even from you don’t even have to be in Canada, come on, which is great. It’s nice, opened up to more people. And wow, you know, it’s really, it’s filling a need for these women who are doing it on their own, they feel so great, being able to talk to other women who are in the same situation going through the journey. And so it’s just a support group for women doing it on their own. And I just started it because I saw the need, and it’s a pleasure to support them and give them an I try and give them hope. You know, I give them hope. And I give them encouragement, and they support each other. It’s a great, it’s a great group. Dr. Marjorie Dixon 27:19 That’s fantastic. I mean, I, when I think back when I first started, like, again, 20 years ago now, which is so weird, but there was this little book that was you know, single women thinking of having a baby was like, this is before the iPhone, it was this little flip pamphlet, and I’m like, I’m gonna support them. I’m gonna advertise there and say that I’m willing to help you because there was stigma back then like, yeah, it was not commonplace at all, in the early 2000s. And though you segue to now, even though it’s more commonplace, there needs to be safe spaces for people to go and discuss and feel kinship with others and and feel the ability to find hope and not like they’re a unicorn in their ownselves as they wished. Right, like, so you’re not alone?
Roberta Scott:
Oh, absolutely. That’s one of the one of the most common comments is when they meet each other. And you see each other now, like I said, on the screen, and they say, Oh, I feel so good to talk to other people, you know, all the thoughts you’re having, I’m having them too. They’re all going through the same thing. And it helps them so much to meet other women and realizing how many women are doing this. And then the amazing thing about my group is that because I’ve been doing it for four years, that original women, a lot of them have babies now, pretty well. Oh, nice. It’s so moms, and then they can give hope to the other women. So I’ve divided into two groups, I have a group for thinkers and Tryers women on the journey. And then I have another group for the women that I say you’ve graduated into the mom group, and then, you know, they continue to need support and the connection and community. So they meet online and share what it’s like to be a single mom with young children. So there’s that support as well along the journey of raising a child by yourself.
Dr. Marjorie Dixon:
Wonderful. Well, thank you for doing what you do, there was clearly a need. And it’s always I think it’s so special. And people come to their own form of advocacy, through having had experience and wanting to be able to extend help to others in a time where maybe they might not have had it right. So thank you for what you do for all of those patients out there. The moms who want to be single parents by choice, and it’s been so fantastic to speak with you and see you again and to think of the little baby that’s now 13 years old or I can’t even believe it time has flown by. So I think that you know we talk about this is called fertile thoughts, right? So this is my moment where I put you on the spot and I ask skill, after all that to give us your fertile Thought for the Day?
Roberta Scott:
Yeah, well, my fertile thought has a lot of hope. And it just says that if you are on your own, and you’ve always dreamed of having a baby, don’t let being single stalk you, you can do it on your own. I did it. And there is support out there for you to help you on your journey. And so I say to women, you can do this.
Dr. Marjorie Dixon:
You can do this. That is great. That’s great. Thank you for that fertile thought. And then I will also share my fertile thought. And it’s by Bear Grylls that says “being brave, isn’t the absence of fear. Being brave is having that fear. But finding a way through it.” I like that, too. Yeah. So Well, thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you a million times. Thank you. So good to see you there. Thank you for joining us. And thank you to everyone who is listening. And if you have a story to share with our community, please reach out to us through our social media platforms. We’d love to have you on our next episode. And remember, one positive thought at the beginning of your day can change the entire course of your day. So make sure it’s a fertile one. Till our next episode, stay healthy. And bye for now.